Don't ask a PhD About Sex...Ask a Pro

I like to read sex advice from time to time. Really just to get my jollies. I personally learned all I need to know about making a man's toes curl and his heart melt from a gay male prostitute and his boyfriend when I was a teenager. So,I always find it interesting when the person giving the advice is some sort of PhD. That's not a "sexpert." I say you go find a prostitute, pay him or her for an hour of their time, and ask them your questions. Not only will you get frank and honest replies devoid of the clinical jargon, but you get it from a real expert...not just someone who has read some books. It's the difference between asking a Soldier about war or asking a kid who likes to play Halo.

I was reading on Fox News the other day and saw this article in their most read section. It's about the supposed 7 things men fear about sex. First of all, no one should take sex advice from a woman with short hair who tries so desperately hard to look sexy (who knew cleavage could both collapse and be nearly non-existent?!). If a woman under fifty has short hair I assume one of two things about her. She is either completely oblivious to what men generally find attractive or they just don't care. Either way, is that really the person you want to be going to for advice on how to make a man cum so hard he simultaneously pops a hip out of socket and bursts a blood vessel in his eye from the intensity of the release? I think not!

But let's look at the Fox Sexpert's musings and advice, shall we?

1. He’s panicking about his size.
Many men fret about the size of their penis. They fear that they won’t measure up to a partner’s satisfaction or that their “Amazonian” proportions will be intimidating.

You know what, Ladies? This should be such a non-issue by the time you have sex. There are a million ways to do it, but find a way to get him to show you his cock before it gets to the level of actually having sex. While you're making out with him, fondle him firmly and tell him in your sexiest voice (or in a breathy whisper) how great it feels. After a while, if you're feeling brave, tell him you really want to see it. I've never met a man who wouldn't show his cock to a woman he was willing to kiss. So, when he does, take a very close look. Get down on your knees, examine it while smiling coyly at him and giving him compliments very specific to his cock. Don't lie or exaggerate, but make sure he knows how hot the sight of his cock makes you. That tends to alleviate all panic.

2. He’s worried that he’ll be a lousy lover.
Particularly in new partnerships, where lovers are still getting to know each other, he’s going to spend a lot of time wondering if his lover had an orgasm or if they're satisfied. Sadly, many lovers have trouble talking about their sexual needs, gratification, what’s working and what needs to be done differently.

Checking in with his lover is the best way to guarantee that he’s meeting expectations. Doing so further wins him brownie points since this is interpreted as caring for and having concern for your lover, which are such ego strokes! It also gives him the opportunity to let his own wants and desires be known.

I am of the opinion that you should never have sex with a man who hasn't already gotten you off at least twice prior to actual cock-in-pussy penetration (CIPP). I am huge proponent of phone sex. That way, you have to be vocal. He will get to hear every noise, every movement, every breathy sigh. He'll know exactly how you sound when you cum. There's always face to face mutual masturbation as well. You can see how your partner likes to be touched, where, and at what speed, depth, and rhythm.

If you don't already know these things before CIPP, you're not taking any time for the really fun stuff. Foreplay is not a dirty word. And when it's mutual, men tend to enjoy it just as much as women. This is the time for getting comfortable with telling your partner what you need, not when you're already fucking. It's a good way to kill the mood by saying something that completely throws your partner off. I'm not saying it's not good to direct your partner from time to time during sex, but knowing the basics beforehand eliminates the awkwardness of basic questions. And if you ever have to ask your partner if they came after all that...get a new partner.

3. He’s fretting that his timing will be off.
Is he going to release too soon? Or is he going to take too long?

The very best way to keep premature ejaculation from being a problem is to get him off before he fucks you. He'll last longer after he gets one out of the way. My favorite way is a good old-fashioned blowjob. Plus, if you love giving them half as much as I do, it will get you even more worked up and ready for him. If it takes him a while to cum...it's an even better excuse for extended foreplay.

4. He’s alarmed that he’ll lose his erection.
Thinking this practically guarantees that it’s going to happen. Men serve themselves best by reminding themselves that this is a perfectly natural occurrence on occasion.

If he goes soft while he's inside you...you're doing something wrong! Yep, I said it. Work those muscles and milk that cock back to life. Take it as a challenge. And if all else fails, get him to lay on his stomach, pull a leg up, and spend as much time as necessary with your tongue up his ass. I've never met a man who didn't get hard from a really nasty spit-filled rimjob. And if you just don't think you can do that...then I'm certain it's your fault he's going limp.

5. He won’t find his lover attractive once sober.
This one is easy – don’t drink or keep it to a minimum.

If you're fucking someone who has never seen you when they are sober then you're probably a whore or so drunk you won't remember his name tomorrow and none of this will be of concern to you anyway.

6. He might get her pregnant or contract a sexually transmitted disease.
This one is also easy. To minimize the risk of pregnancy or acquiring a sexually transmitted disease, use a condom consistently and correctly.

Men generally don't worry about this DURING sex. They worry about it AFTER sex. But if you're a chick and having unprotected sex, you should be even more worried about those things. A girl should always have condoms in her purse and inside a pillowcase on her bed if there is any possibility she might have sex. And learn to put it on the guy yourself. That way you know it's done properly.

7. He’ll come away disappointed.
From not having sex to not living it up like a porn star, not realizing his sexual expectations can leave him defeated.

If he leaves disappointed for any reason other than not having had sex then again, you have to ask yourself if you're to blame. It's your job to make sure your sexual partners enjoy their time in your bed and in your trio of holes. Just as it is their job to see to it that you have a great time. If either partner fails, the entire thing falls apart. That's just how it works.

I may not be a "pro" but I did explore the mind of one for a while and he did teach me all his best tricks. So, there it is. That's the advice I would personally give. But that's also why I will never have the job of "Sexpert" for Foxnews.com.

Feast of Dionysus

Autumn has always been my favorite season. There is just something about it that makes me feel like staying home and curling up in front of the fire with someone special. Actually, it makes me want to do more that just cuddle. Considering the autumnal equinox is also the ancient Feast of Dionysus, the inspirer of ritual madness and ecstasy, I somehow doubt I am the only person on the planet who finds herself feeling even more amorous than usual during the Fall.

Living in the Deep South, summer is my least favorite season. Seeing it come to an end each year is always a reason for celebration. However, something I noticed a few years ago seems to hold true for me year after year. During the summer months when the sun is high and bright and takes up the majority of the hours on the clock, my libido goes into a state of hibernation. I've never been a fan of the sun anyway, but combine it with Southern heat and humidity and the fact that your clothes stick to you all the time from the moisture in the air, and feeling sexy is just not all that common for me. Until Autumn hits.

In the Fall months, I don't just find my libido hitting year long highs, I find myself feeling more animalistic than any other time. I often find my fantasies drifting to things like cutting and clawing and biting my partner...making them look like they have been mauled by a bobcat the next day. My thoughts drift to fucking on the ground beside huge, raging bonfires and against old stone walls in dark alleys of ancient cities. I tend to think about being watched by strangers in sleazy movie theaters or being DP'd in a night of double stuffed pleasure.

To tell you the truth, if things keep going the way they have been so far, I might just break another Hitachi Magic Wand this year. I find it amazing that those things are supposed to be unbreakable and yet I've already broken one and am likely on my way to destroying another. I can't help it though. Sometimes a girl just needs eight orgasms in a day. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way...and if I am, well, that's just a shame for the men of the world.

I'm off to try and destroy a sex toy now. I hope you all have a wonderful and lust filled day.

Carnival

I've been doing a lot of research on Carnival and I've been having a hard time deciding which I would rather attend--Venice or Rio. I am going to one or the other in 2011. I just have to decide in the next six months which one so I can book a hotel. I think mostly it is going to come down to whether I am seeing someone. If I am, I think Venice will be the ticket. There's a definite flair of romance about it. Not only because it's in such a romantic city, but because there's the whole secret aspect to it. You wear a mask and attend balls. And you and your beloved are the only ones who know your true identity. No one else has a clue who you are. I think there is something extremely romantic about that.

On the other hand, Rio is all about debauchery. While it's true that it could be a cool place for a couple to go together, it's an entirely different vibe. That's not the kind of place I would want to take a significant other unless he was not the least bit jealous and wouldn't be upset if I wanted to dress a little scantily for the parades. Of course, he would also have to be kinda mean in case someone other than him got a little too friendly. I think there is a very small number of guys who could really fit comfortably into that role.

I've had plans to go to Rio for a while with one of my girlfriends. We were thinking we would take a couple of very large gay men with us to keep us safe and out of trouble. I am not sure I would want to be there at that time of year without some serious protection...trouble seems to find me.

One never knows how it will turn out, but to honest, I am kind of hoping for Venice.

The Beauty of Functionality

For the last few years, my life has been in complete flux. Everything about me has been out of control, right down to a bacterial infection hijacking every system in my body. And I hate that. While I have not always been the most orderly person, I find myself yearning for self imposed structure. I need to be in control of my environment. I don't take well to relinquishing control of anything. I do like order. I think there is beauty in simplicity and organization. Unfortunately, nothing in my life has been either simple or organized of late.

This weekend I am going to spend many hours in my kitchen trying to reclaim the order. It's not that it's dirty or anything, but it's gotten to the point where plastic bowls fall out of cabinets when I open them. I could blame that on lack of storage, but honestly, there's no reason for me to have so many plastic bowls to begin with. It's not as if I regularly cook so much food that I need 67 bowls for leftovers and eight cookie sheets. Nor do I need three hand mixers and a large toaster oven that has been used once in ten years because it never gets really hot.

I'm not a hoarder because it's not difficult for me to get rid of things, but I do always find myself taking my sister and mom's kitchen hand-me-downs without a thought as to whether I will use them or have a place to store them. I think I just like "free." It's hard to say no to free things, even stupid heart-shaped muffin pans. So every couple of years my cabinets begin to overflow from all the free stuff. I suppose I get it in my head that I might need those silly muffin pans one day for something. I was a girl scout. It's that anticipating future needs thing, that I think is quite normal.

However, I do have a need to be prepared for things that most people would likely consider paranoia. For instance, I've been stocking up on non-hybrid, open-pollinated seeds of late. And here's where people think I'm nuts. It's not that I think these heirloom seeds are somehow better than their hybrid cousins, because they aren't. They yield a smaller crop and are less disease resistant. But, in the case of a major meltdown of goods and services, all you really need to produce food for the rest of your life, barring a catastrophic growing season, is one pack of heirloom seeds for each variety you wish to grow. Hybrid seeds do not produce reliable offspring. They are generally F1 hybrids which means they are the direct offspring of two different varieties of plant. And anyone who has studied genetics knows that you never know which traits are going to show up in the second generation or what kind of defect will appear. With heirloom seeds, they have been grown for hundreds of years and have consistently produced reliable offspring from seed. While I am not some sort of fruit loop who thinks the world is going to end next week, I do like to be prepared for the things that are within my power to prepare for. I also try to save things like pain meds and antibiotics when I have a prescription that I don't use all of for my emergency medical kit. It does come in handy at times. So if buying $20 worth of seeds makes me sleep better at night, I think that is a wise investment.

I know I've spoken before about my love of cooking and growing my own vegetables and herbs. And going through all the seeds catalogs has only made that grow stronger. I have decided that the next property I buy, even if it is not on a huge plot of land, will have a few raised growing beds. I tend to prefer them for many reasons. First of all, if you kneel down on the ground beside them, the plants are in just the right spot to be at eye level. You also don't have to worry about back aches from spending hours on end bent over pulling weeds or picking. You never have to till the ground. It stays pretty loose but even if it doesn't, you can break it up with a shovel. And last but not least, they are just a lot more aesthetically pleasing.

I would love to take a half acre of land and just build different size and shape raised beds with beautiful stone paver surrounds, with a big patch of grass in the center for my dog. Much like the picture to the left. I think it is quite lovely and functional. That's really my thing. I am not one for things that are just pretty. I like those pretty things to serve a purpose.

Remembering Christian Adams

On the morning of September 11, 2001, a 37 year old German husband and father boarded a plane bound for San Francisco. He worked for a wine distributor in Germany and rarely came to the United States. But circumstances had worked out so that he could attend wine tastings on both the East and West Coasts that week. Unfortunately, he never made it to the second of those tastings.

By all accounts, Christian Adams was a man who never felt a job was beneath him and never acted as if he were better than anyone else. He was an important man at the company for which he worked, but he never minded rolling up his sleeves and carrying cases of wine to help out, according to his co-worker, Carol Sullivan. Having been married to a wine distributor myself at one time, I can tell you this is a very uncommon trait.

While there are bits and pieces that are known about what happened after Flight 93 left the Newark, New Jersey airport that day no one knows all the details. I won't try to guess what role Christian Adams played, but I have to imagine the overwhelming sense of horror that must have possessed him when he realized he would likely die in a foreign country, far away from his wife and children. I have to imagine the grief he felt knowing that his family would have to fly halfway across the world to visit the place that he died.

I've tried to imagine what must have been going through his head as the plane was overtaken by terrorists. I can't fathom the fear that must have set in. I remember all the confusion in my mind that morning and I had hours and hours to try and piece everything together. The passengers on Flight 93 only had a few minutes. In just over thirty minutes, the plan to retake the plane had already been implemented.

When the passengers broke into the cockpit of the plane, they knew the likelihood of their survival was exceptionally small. But they also knew their fate had already been sealed when those terrorists boarded their flight. What they could do is go down fighting. And that is what they did. The passengers of Flight 93, including Christian Adams of Biebelsheim, Germany, became American heroes that day. I think that word is thrown around a lot. But in this case, I believe it fits. These passengers acted heroically in the face of great personal danger. And as an American I will always be thankful.


Please visit the Project 2,996 website for tributes to others who lost their lives on 9/11.

Oysters, Little Oysters....

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes- and ships- and sealing wax-
Of cabbages- and kings-
And why the sea is boiling hot-
And whether pigs have wings."

"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.

"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed-
Now, if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."

~Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking Glass

Does anyone else get the feeling that we are being promised great and wonderful things only to be led down the path to our own demise? I would hope I'm not the only one, but if I am, I guess that just means I'm crazy. Crazy can be fixed with a pill. I have this sinking feeling that what is going on with the crazy out-of-control spending in this country will not be fixed so easily...if it can ever be fixed at all without becoming the United States of Western China.

You know, if I was a conspiracy nut, I would start to believe that someone in the White House has a deal with the Devil (or is farming some internal covert ops out to some top notch soldiers of fortune). The day that Cap and Trade passed the House of Representatives both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson die completely overwhelming the news cycle for at least a week. Within two full work days (since it wasn't released until after 5 on Friday) of the news that Obama's estimate of the ten year deficit was at least 2 trillion dollars off, Ted Kennedy dies and again, the news cycle is overwhelmed. One more time and this becomes a pattern, not just coincidence. But I digress.

The problem here is spending.

I realize this may not be a popular thing to say in our society but debt is killing our country because we are a culture of people who live beyond our means. Our government only spends this way because we allow them to do it. And we only allow them to do it because we do it ourselves in our own personal lives. At least most people do. I'm certainly not immune to this problem. I have about $23K in debt right now between student loans and my car. But, I have a plan to be out of debt completely within the next two or three years. I do not even have a credit card and I live on a very strict cash only budget.

It's not fun. It's not easy. And there is nothing sexy about it. But in a couple of years, every penny I bring in will be mine to keep. I will owe no one. And that is something I find terribly sexy. I'm also working on my first novel and hope to have it finished within a year. My agent seems fairly certain he can get me a decent advance on it and if that comes through, I will have a very nice start to my land fund. And within five years, I hope to be able to pay cash for a big chunk of land and put a nice little house on it. This is without factoring in any money I might earn from the book. So all that would be icing.

People think I'm crazy for living where I do right now. There is nothing glamorous about my home. It is kind of falling apart, to be honest. Not in an unsafe or unsanitary way, of course, but most people would want something nicer. I kind of like it. Every day I walk in the door I am reminded that I pay no rent. The house is the one I grew up in and was sitting vacant after my Mom remarried. Free=Perfect. I hated the cooling bill in the summer, because being in the deep South, the central air was running non-stop. My power bill was over $200 a month in the summer. So, I moved my bed into the dining room and hung a pretty curtain over the hallway entrance from the front of the house. It leaves my bathrooms in the back without air conditioning, but it never really gets sweltering back there. And by arranging things so I basically am heating and cooling the area equivalent to a studio apartment, my power bill is never more than $100 even in the hottest part of summer. I use an energy efficient window air conditioning unit to keep the living room, the kitchen, and the dining room/my bedroom cool. Just that one little change gives me $100-$150 every month to reallocate wherever I may need it.

There is always somewhere in your budget from which you can pinch some money. So why don't more people do it? It makes no sense. Keep your money. Pay cash for things. Get rid of all the debt you can. Don't let one more bank or credit card company make 13% interest off you. The problem is that we want what we want when we want it. We have lost the virtue of patience. Food, shelter, and transportation. Those are the things we *need.* Everything else, save taxes and medical care, is optional. Buying new clothes every month is not a necessity worthy of breaking the cash only rule unless every single article of clothing in your closet is too small. Too big, is fine...wear a belt until you can afford to spend cash for new clothing. Or instead of buying new clothing, pay someone a small fee to alter your favorite outfits. Have your shoes resoled instead of buying new ones if they are good shoes and still in good shape otherwise. To me, it just makes sense. To my sister, it sounds radical. I guess it just depends on where your priorities are. My priority is having everything paid off so I can live any kind of life I want without being a slave to debt.

So my question is this: Why can't our government do that with the pocketbook we stuff for them? They absolutely could, if there was incentive for them to do so. But why should they when we sit here with our hands out begging for scraps of the meal we paid for and prepared that they then took from us?

Of the stimulus that was so urgent to pass that no one could take time to read the bill or debate the contents, there is still $377 Billion dollars that has not been spent, is not in the process of being spent and is not set for tax cuts. It obviously was not as important as previously stated. Why is it such a radical idea to Congress not to spend every penny that they are authorized, by themselves, to spend? And why do we keep following these fools? Are we just hapless little oysters following the charismatic Walrus to our own demise? Or are the old, wise, Mother Oyster who just shakes her head knowingly, choosing to stay in the safety of her bed while the daft young ones wander off to their death?

40 Lashes and a Box O' Porn

Spankings sound like a very simple thing. Give a little slap with an open hand to a bare ass and voila! But it's really not all that easy. There is a certain skill to it. And to be honest, there have only ever been two men who spanked me properly. Most men are too scared of hurting me to ever do it hard enough for my liking. If I don't have bruises the next day, it wasn't a good spanking. But if the skin is broken or the guy has hit too close to the hip bone, I'm a very unhappy camper. It's a fine line.

I was reminded of this when I was scanning through a DVD of what I call "couples porn" this evening. Honestly, it's the kind of porn I will pop in the DVD player if I am battling my insomnia and need something that will put me to sleep. (You think I'm kidding, but I'm actually quite serious.) I mean really, how many times can you watch a girl give a twenty minute blowjob using just the tip of her tongue? Boring! Well, in one of those movies there was a guy "spanking" his supposed girlfriend. He was doing the 'cup the hand, barely strike and then grab the ass and shake it a little' move. For the record, that is just fucking lame. If your hand does not automatically bounce back off the girl's ass with a good amount of recoil force then you obviously did not strike her hard enough. Doing that half spank, half grab bullshit will just make us dread all the other lame moves that are without doubt on the way.

Really hard spankings always seem to get lumped in with the heavy discipline porn, which I do not care for. The only way I could ever consider the whole control/discipline BDSM stuff is if I were madly in love and trusted my partner completely. Then it would just be a gift for him...the gift of my submission (which for an alpha is a HUGE deal). But it's never something I would necessarily want to see in porn. It's not appealing to me in that way. But throwing in some decent spankings in regular porn might make that crap more interesting. From the women I've talked to about the subject, most feel the same way I do about a firm hand across the ass.

For me, spanking is not about submitting to anything; it's about all those vibrations going through the muscles and the stinging of the skin and the heightened sensitivity of the entire area because of all the stimulation. It just feels good. But try telling that to the porn folks. They always want to throw in the whole 'Daddy' thing while the girl is getting spanked. I never got that either. The very last thing I want to think about while naked is my father!! Ewww!!!

Flipping through my porn collection, I don't really have a lot of porn that a guy would necessarily want to watch. At least not a perfectly straight guy with no bi-tendencies. But as I was telling a friend of mine the other night, if a girl is watching porn, a guy could always just watch her if he didn't like the XXX flick she wanted to see. Isn't that the fun of it anyway? One of my friends was flipping through my collection (I have three of those DVD binder things with sleeves full) to see if I had anything he wanted to borrow and he just about choked on his Rum and Coke when he got to the third binder. It was mainly gay porn. And I don't mean lesbian. I think he might have gone home and boiled his eyes out with peroxide.

But that led me to think about the what-ifs. I think about those a lot. And I came to the conclusion that I really do need a better storage system for my toys and porn than just a big black toy chest on a wrought iron stand at the foot of my bed. I do live alone so I don't usually worry too much about what I leave laying around. But every now and then my grandfather will let himself into my house while I am at work to do some kind of maintenance or pick up my dog to go play with his. Plus, if I get killed in an accident or something my mom could get over the toy chest, but some of the porn would leave her shaking and hugging herself in a corner for quite some time.

So I hopped online to see what I could find and found this. It's a storage device for 100 DVDs expandable to 500 and it is all controlled via USB to your computer. You can even password protect files and DVDs. It sounds like just the thing. In a few months I may pick one up and see if it works as well as it says. Upon my death, I do have a porn plan and a friend to execute it. But they may not tell him until after they've been in the house and started going through things. What can I say? I was a Girl Scout. I try to be prepared....for anything. That philosophy has served me well in life. It's also served my companions well, but that's a story for another time.